Official Call to Men.

Dear Invited Guests,

In preparation for the 1st Ever ManUGHtission, the host (yours truly) would like to present you with the official Call to Men.

Call to Men!

ManUGHtission I

or, the Olympics of Masculinity 2010

Get thy bitch asses to Santa Cruz, and prove thou ain'test no bitch.

The prize: Being the manliest man and everybody knowing it.

The contest: Who is the manliest man?

The contestants:

Daniel "TexMex" Atkinson

Brendan "Goob" Golle

yours truly, the Honorable Mikael "Redbeard" Witte

...and the non-participating spirits of men everywhere

The events will be chosen by unanimous decision.

Location: Santa Cruz, CA, home of the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Date(s)*: May 11-18, 2010

* Contest will end in the event of death of any possible, present, future, or past contestant, excepting only the Beans. Fuck the Beans.

I welcome you to my home, to stay free of any monetary payment for 1 week. In lieu of "dolla dolla bill, y'all" recompensation, the contestants will pay the host fine alcohol (Joose, 4 Loko, "40s") and ardent enthusiasm in exchange for lodging, home-cooking services (but not all food), illicit drugs, and fun.

The contestants will anti-train for this event, so the tested abilities are the natural abilities of real men. No punk-ass bitches allowed. This means a contestant will not train for the contest by developing unnatural, trained abilities that give him an advantage in any event that develops tolerance for intoxication or any other skill that will make him feel less unpleasantness during the contest. Examples are drinking a lot or "expanding one's stomach" by consistently overeating during the period leading up to the contest. It's encouraged to keep up for your fitness, though. Who would want to be a Girl Scout among men?

Upon the arrival of the contestants, the host will begin the opening ceremony immediately, irregardless of location (that is to say, just because the host picks you up the airport, there will be no delay in commencement of opening festivities).

The events of the contest shall proceed over the following seven days. One day amongst the seven, the third or fourth, must be taken as the Day of Rest. On the Day of Rest, there is no mandatory or event-related consumption of alcohol or any other intoxicant, though voluntary intoxication is never chided. Events may still occur on this day, to the advantage or disadvantage of those intoxicated. There are 2 events in each day, although the Day of Rest events may be canceled by unanimous decision of the contestants.

Any debate of event results is decided by unanimous decision. A decision should not require more than 1 hour to decide, in which case simple majority rules. The length of 1 hour is not up for discussion, but don't be a dick about it to your own advantage. Be a man.

Any event can be canceled by unanimous decision. In the case of any contestant "being passed the fuck out" for any reason, the conscious contestants shall decide whether to cancel or end without scoring that event. In the case of all contestants "being passed the fuck out," the remaining contestants shall decide by unanimous decision upon awakening from their slumber/coma/vegetative state whether the contest should be scored. In case of death of any contestant besides the Beans, the remaining contestants shall decide by unanimous decision whether to sum accumulated scores and award the deceased contestant his place at time of death.

The rules of the house, as imposed by the host and household companions (i.e. Rachel), must be obeyed. The rules for this contest are:

1. Any excretion, including but not limited to defecation, urination, and vomiting, must be expelled into the proper receptacle. This means a toilet. In the case of vomiting, a trash can lined with a trash bag may be substituted. A contestant may choose to use his own property according to his wishes.
2. You break it, you buy it. Don't be a dick. If it is the property solely of a contestant (i.e. not the house or any non-participant), alternate compensation may be arranged. No contest-related favor shall be given as compensation.
3. The host contestant and no other household companion (i.e. Rachel) will clean the bathroom during and immediately after the course of the competition.
4. Involvement of angry neighbors and the police jeopardizes the competition, and violates the spirit of good sportsmanship. We are gentlemen, not boors. If we need to shut the fuck up because it's 3 am and we have neighbors, so be it. If we need to not chop down a tree because we're in a state forest, so be it. If we need to stop Brendan from beating up a drunk college freshman, it will be a great loss to the world, but much less of a pain in the ass. All aggression will be taken out at the shooting range.
5. Certain wines deemed unsuitable for current drinking based on their value, henceforth referred to as "fancy wines," shall not be consumed without consensus of all household companions. That means don't plan on drinking any fancy wines, that shit is expensive and your drunk ass can't afford it.
6. If you buy your own goddamn fancy wines, we will drink the hell out of them. Twice.
7. Again, don't be a dick.

The ending ceremony will involve presenting the final award of Manliest Man to the winner of the contest. There is no runner up, don't be a pussy.

Best of luck, men. Don't be a dick.

Your fellow man and friend,

Signed,

Mikael K. Witte